Posted by: bkivey | 20 August 2010

Three Little PC Pigs

Another PC fairy tale; author unknown.

Three Little Pigs
(P.C. Version)

Once there were three little pigs who lived together in perfect harmony with each other, as all siblings should. They had great respect for all of the other animals in the kingdom, celebrating the differences in physiognomy and physiology which made each animal distinct.

They also lived in perfect harmony with their environment. And when they decided to each construct their own homes, they vowed to only use materials that were indigenous to the area to conserve precious resources. In point-of-fact, they each built a beautiful house, each house a personification of their individual values and personalities.

One pig decided to build a house of straw. With his two brothers, he traveled to all of the fields in the region and gathered that which the reapers had missed in order to leave the land ready for the next crop.

When the first structure was completed, and properly inspected and approved by the woodland authorities, the second one wanted a house constructed of sticks. Our three heros gathered only that woodfall not suitable for crafts, leaving the woods they gleaned safe for travel and replanting.

The second house completed, the three constructed the third house of dung, clay and creeper vines shaped into bricks and baked in a small smokeless kiln.

When they were finished, the pigs were satisfied with their work and settled back to live in peace and self-determination. But their idyllic life-styles were soon shattered. One day, along came a big, bad wolf with expansionist ideas.

He saw the pigs and grew very hungry in both a physical and ideological sense. When the pigs saw the wolf, they ran into the house of straw. The wolf ran up to the house and banged on the door, shouting, “Little pigs, little pigs, let me in !”

The pigs shouted back, “Your gunboat tactics impinge no fear for pigs who are defending their homes and culture.”

But the wolf wasn’t to be denied what he thought was his manifest destiny. So he huffed and puffed and blew down the house of straw. The frightened pigs ran to the house of sticks, with the wolf in hot pursuit.

Where the straw house had stood, other wolves seized the land and planned a chicken farm, where they would cruelly force the birds to live in over-crowded coops and increase profits by ignoring any problems caused by manure polluting the near-by streams.

Meanwhile, at the house of sticks, the wolf again banged on the door and shouted, “Little, pigs, little pigs, let me in !”

The pigs shouted back, “Go to hell, you carnivorous, imperialistic oppressor !”

At this the wolf huffed and puffed and blew down the house of sticks. The pigs ran to the house of bricks, with the wolf close at their heels.

Where the house of sticks had stood, other wolves made plans a time-share condo resort complex for vacationing wolves, each unit would be a fiberglass replica of the original house of sticks. They planned massive water canals and dams, long known to both wreck and flood the surrounding fragile landscape.

Meanwhile, at the house of bricks, the wolf again banged on the door and shouted, “Little pigs, little pigs, let me in !”

This time in response, the pigs sang songs of solidarity and wrote strong letters of protest to the Editor of the Woodland Journal.

By now the wolf was getting angry at the pigs’ refusal to see the situation from the carnivore’s point of view. So he huffed and puffed, and huffed and puffed, then grabbed his chest and fell over dead from a massive heart attack brought on from eating too many fatty foods.

The three little pigs rejoiced that justice had triumphed and did a little dance around the house that had saved them. Their next step was to liberate their homeland. They gathered together a band of other animals who had been forced off their lands.

The brigade of porcinistas attacked the wolves’ Total Quality Management Planning Complex with machine-guns and rocket launchers and slaughtered the cruel wolf oppressors, sending a clear signal to the rest of the hemisphere not to meddle in their internal affairs.

Then the pigs set up a model socialist democracy with free education, universal health care and affordable housing for everyone.

The wolves in this story were strictly a metaphorical construct. No actual wolves were harmed in any way during the typing of this page. Unfortunately, all of the magic markers, flip charts and white boards in the wolves’ TQM Center were destroyed however.

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