Posted by: bkivey | 29 April 2011

Southern Comfort

This week has seen a world of hurt descend on the South. But if I know my Southerners, and being of Southern heritage and having lived half my life there, I think I do, I don’t think you’ll see a lot of  sitting-on-their-ass-and waiting-for-help.  Dear Leader has offered Federal assistance, but the South had to rebuild an entire economy after a devastating war; a few tornadoes ain’t gonna much trouble’em. They do, after all, deal with hurricanes and Yankees on a regular basis.

Southerner’s have a good sense of humor, unless you start talking about how much better things are Up North, or disrespect The King (Presley or Petty). So today I offer a list of things you’ll never hear a Southerner say:

Duct tape won’t fix that.
We don’t keep firearms in the house.
You can’t feed that to the dog.
No kids in the back of the pick up, it’s not safe.
Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
I just couldn’t find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
I’ll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
Unsweetened tea tastes better.
Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
I don’t have a favorite college team.

And you might be from the South if:

You’ve been fishing on the banks of a body of water with a cane pole.

When I was kid, that was the only fishing rig we had.

You can drive a tractor with some degree of proficiency.

I have considerable experience on a Farmall 140.

No matter how much you try, you just can’t quit saying y’all when referring to more than one person.

That’s right, ya’ll.

You still call folks “ma’am” and “sir”.

I’ve found that this bothers some people. Calling people “ma’am” and “sir” is as natural to a Southerner as breathing.

You’ve put peanuts in your Coca-Cola.

That’s Co-Cola.

You know just how good an RC Cola and Moon Pie really are.

Lord, yes!. Especially when taking a break from driving the tractor.

Ya’ll come back, now, ya’hear?

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