Posted by: bkivey | 6 May 2011

John Cleese Rides Again

From actor and tall person John Cleese comes this take on the ‘War on Terror’:

ALERTS TO TERROR THREATS IN 2011 EUROPE

By John Cleese
 
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved”.  Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross”.  The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance”.  The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards”.  They don’t  have any other levels.  This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide”.  The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender”.  The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing”.  Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides”.
The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs”.  They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbor” and “Lose”.
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.  These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be alright, Mate”.  Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is canceled”.  So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
John Cleese – British writer, actor and tall person

The Future of History

Over on the ‘Today in History’ site (link on right), we learn that Roger Bannister broke the 4-minute mile today in 1954, but more surprisingly , we learn that on 6 May 2012 Venus transits the sun. While the Venusian transit is a near-certainty barring an extraordinary event, by definition a historical event is one already occurred, rather than one yet to be. One wonders what other ‘historical’ insights we might be treated to.

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