Posted by: bkivey | 29 July 2011

Best of the Web Pt. 5

More examples of James Taranto’s snarky brand of humor. Link to his blog/column ‘The Best of the Web Today’ on right.

29 March 2005

What Would Women Do Without Federal Agencies?
“Woman Is Informed by Federal Agency That She’s Alive”–headline, Associated Press

31 March 2005

What Would We Do Without Troopers?
“Troopers Say Paying Attention Behind the Wheel Can Save Lives”–headline, KTRE-TV Web site (Lufkin, Texas)

1 April 2005

We Didn’t Think It Possible to Be This Unlucky

“For the second time in a week, a woman was killed after being struck by passing cars while attempting to run across a busy Houston freeway.”–Houston Chronicle

3 April 2005

‘Become a Sheep’
“Lamb Details Development Plan”–headline, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette

William the Conqueror Is Turning in His Grave
“Norman Man Attacked by Turkeys”–headline, Associated Press

As Rep. Maxine Waters said at an abortion rally last April, “I have to march because my mother could not have an abortion.”

20 May 2005

Only if They Get Them First
“Jobless Workers Could Lose Jobs”–headline, South Bend (Ind.) Tribune

27 May 2005

“King Fahd of Saudi Arabia Reported Dead”–headline, United Press International

28 May 2005

“Saudi’s King Remains Stable in Hospital Today”–headline, Houston Chronicle

31 May 2005

And Not a Moment Too Soon
“Army Wants Soldiers to Get Used to Guns”–headline, State (Columbia, S.C.)

19 April 2006

Fair-Weather Alarmists
“Two U.S. explorers plan to start a four-month summer expedition to the North Pole next month to gather information on the habitat of an animal they believe could be the first victim of global warming–the polar bear,” Reuters reports from Los Angeles.

“Project Thin Ice 2006” will be the first such expedition since 2004. Reuters explains that the explorers had to call off the mission they planned last year because of–we kid you not–“unusually heavy snow and ice.”

21 April 2006

Good News for Spanky
“Scientists May Have Discovered Cure for Alfalfa Pest”–headline, Associated Press

1 May 2006

‘Personal Use’
“Three teenagers from the Arab town of Qalansawe [Israel] were arrested after 150,000 detonators were found in the house of one of them. The teenagers, age 15 and 16 were taken to a police station for questioning where they claimed that the detonators meant for their personal use.”–Ynet News

2 May 2006

Let’s Hope They Decide Against It
“Experts Discuss Escalating Suicide Rate”–headline, Australian Broadcast Corp. Web site

15 April 2006

Good News for Dial-Up Subscribers
“Turtle Races Being Tracked on Web”–headline, Associated Press

16 April 2006

62 Years After the War Is Over?
“WWII Raid Starts Sooner Than Expected”–headline, Oregonian

Superman Just Dusts Himself Off and Walks Away
“Normal Man Hospitalized After Motorcycle Accident”–headline, WJBC-AM Web site (Bloomington, Ill.)

17 April 2006

Breaking News From 1899
“Kenyan Cheruiyot Wins Third Boston Marathon”–headline, Reuters

1 April 2008

News of the Oxymoronic
“Bill Would Require Parents to Volunteer at Schools”–headline, WEWS-TV Web site (Cleveland)

If Homicide Is Outlawed, Only Outlaws Will Commit Homicide
In an April Fool’s Day session, the Los Angeles City Council considered a “ban” on homicide, the Los Angeles Times reports. We use those scare quotes advisedly, since the ban would be temporary and nonbinding. As the Times explains:

The symbolic ban on homicides had been proposed by Los Angeles author and political commentator Earl Ofari Hutchinson, who had urged the city to make a bold statement about the recent increase in homicides.
“If this works, then the next logical thing is: If a city like Los Angeles can go 40 hours without one homicide, then why not 40 days?” said Hutchinson, president of the Los Angeles Urban Policy Roundtable.
Forty hours, 40 days–heck, why not 40 years? Apparently fearful of that slippery slope, the council said no:

Despite the expressions of support, council members voted only for a resolution that promised to build awareness and dialogue about “the root causes of violence and killing.”
Our understanding is that in some places, homicide is against the law, so that if you kill someone, you can actually spend time in prison. Perhaps the L.A. council could take up a nonbinding measure urging the California Legislature to criminalize homicide statewide. Wow would that ever be bold.

Does Anyone in Journo School Take Math?

OK, that’s a rhetorical question. But one has to wonder after reading this story that contains this phrase:

 ” . . .  because the house that the Yankees’ captain built is thousands of miles south of the Big Apple in Tampa, Fla.”

Actual distance from New York City to Tampa, FL: 1006 miles.


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