Posted by: bkivey | 6 April 2012

Funny Friday, Pt. II

If Restaurants Functioned like Microsoft

Patron: Waiter!

Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I’ll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?

Patron: There’s a fly in my soup!

Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won’t be there this time.

Patron: No, it’s still there.

Waiter: Maybe it’s the way you’re using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.

Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?

Patron: A SOUP bowl!

Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it’s a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?

Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that got to do with the fly in my soup?!

Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?

Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??

Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I’m running late now.

[waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]

Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

Patron: This is potato soup.

Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn’t ready yet.

Patron: Well, I’m so hungry now, I’ll eat anything.

[waiter leaves.]

Patron: Waiter! There’s a gnat in my soup!

The check:
Soup of the Day ……………………………………..$5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day………………..$2.50
Access to support …………………………………..$1.00

Rules For Beginning Engineers

Law #1: In any calculation, any error which can creep in will do so.

Law #2: Any error in any calculation will be in the direction of most harm.

Law #3: In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from engineering handbooks) are to be treated as variables.

Law #4: The best approximation of service conditions in the laboratory will not begin to meet those conditions encountered in actual service.

Law #5: The most vital dimension on any plan drawing stands the most chance of being omitted.

Law #6: If only one bid can be secured on any project, the price will be unreasonable.

Law #7: If a test installation functions perfectly, all subsequent production units will malfunction.

Law #8: All delivery promises must be multiplied by a factor of 2.0.

Law #9: Major changes in construction will always be requested after fabrication is nearly complete.

Law #10: Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be.

Law #11: Interchangeable parts won’t.

Law #12: Manufacturer’s specifications of performance should be multiplied by a factor of 0.5.

Law #13: Salespeople’s claims for performance should be multiplied by a factor of 0.25.

Law #14: Installation and Operating Instructions shipped with the device will be promptly discarded by the Receiving Department.

Law #15: Any device requiring service or adjustment will be the least accessible.

Law #16: Service conditions as given on specifications will be exceeded.

Law #17: If more than one person is responsible for a miscalculation, no one will be at fault.

Law #18: Identical units which test in an identical fashion will not behave in an identical fashion in the field.

Law #19: If, in engineering practice, a safety factor is sent through the service experience at an ultimate value, an ingenious idiot will promptly calculate a method to exceed said safety factor.

Law #20: Warranty and guarantee clauses are voided by payment of the invoice.

 

You Might be a “High Tech” Redneck…

If your e-mail address ends in “over.yonder.com”
If you connect to the World Wide Web via a “Down Home” Page
If the bumper sticker on your truck says “My other computer is a laptop.”
If your laptop has a sticker that says “Protected by Smith and Wesson.”
If your baseball cap read “DEC” instead of “CAT”
If your computer is worth more than all your cars combined.
If you’ve ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster to set your beer on.
If you’ve ever referred to your computer as “Ole Bessy.”
If your wallpaper is an image of your favorite truck, tractor, or farm animal.
If you start all your e-mails with the words “Howdy y’all!”

 

Winners of the “worst analogies ever written in a high school essay” contest

 

 

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. (Joseph Romm, Washington)

 

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again. (Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station)

 

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

 

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup. (Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring)

 

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and “Jeopardy” comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30. (Roy Ashley, Washington)

 

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

 

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

 

Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)

 

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. (Unknown)

 

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. (Jack Bross, Chevy Chase)

 

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease. (Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring)

 

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like “Second Tall Man.” (Russell Beland, Springfield)

 

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

 

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can. (Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.)

 

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)

 

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

 

The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play. (Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria)

 

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

 

The Newest Follower

 

Thanks to mattlomax for following this blog. My dream of world domination is now only centuries away.

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